AWD Status Report

Search for Julius Caesar's Spirit: New Developments

2010-02-08T23:45:00.000-08:00

Ivory Division has successfully located Julius Caesar's 4th cousin (twice removed) on his mother's side. Percival Caesar, a centurion, was previously thought slain in a battle with the Gauls. Surprisingly, he turned up this week at a coffee shop in western Saskatchewan, where he was disguised as a barista while hiding from the RCMP. Percival was replaced by a lookalike military drone (graciously provided by a joint effort from Red and Green Divisions) and has been brought into AWD custody for questioning.

Temporal Anomaly

2010-01-11T21:42:00.000-08:00

Keen observers may have noticed an apparent lack of activity within the organization beginning in late January of 2009 and continuing to just prior to this posting. Some memory loss during this period is normal. There is no cause for alarm. AWD's central facilities and extended operating areas, including the majority of the Earth's surface area and portions of its interior, underwent an unexpected but harmless temporal anomaly.

Rumors that an Ivory Division metamagic dimensional-tunneling experiment contributed to this occurrence are entirely unfounded. Our internal investigators have found no evidence to support this theory, instead pointing to malfunctioning equipment in Green Division's research labs as a more likely culprit. The results of our investigation will be distributed on a need-to-know basis to senior personnel.

Ivory Coast out.

AWD Flag Celebration Cerimony

2009-01-20T19:37:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is the day when all of us in the AWD recognize our own greatness with the annual Grand Flag of AWD Celebration Cerimony. During the cerimony, we will pay homage to all those lost in battle, followed by a potluck lunch. However, this year, if you do bring something it MUST be concealed and contained in the official AWDSCDSD (Association for World Domination Snack Conceilment and Decontaminating Serving Device) in order to stop any threat of poisoning by traitors. Fail to do so, and you will be forced to report to your local Execution Officer.

---NEW THIS YEAR: Disembowelment Chamber!---

As always, family is invited. All family members must remain in the AWDFICC (Association for World Domination Family Interrogation and Captivity Chamber). IT IS FOR THEIR OWN GOOD!

And last but not least, all AWDFCC (Association for World Domination Flag Celebration Cerimony) events will NOT be taking place this year due to the ever growing threat of treason.

Call or email your section supervisor for more details.

EMERGENCY UPDATE

2008-05-23T20:41:00.000-07:00

Here are a few things I've learned today:

1) Clones are very fast

2) They seem to posess personal memories of their original (for example, passwords)

3) A size 10 to the ol' Unauthorized Zone hurts... a lot.

In conclusion:

Whoever keeps cloning me- you are the only one who's laughing!

It's probably Green Division, hazing some new scientists, playing pranks (damn punks). If I find out who is responsible, mark my words: A Size 10 in your zone will be the LEAST of your problems!

Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri

TRAITORS! TRAITORS EVERYWHERE!

2008-05-23T20:32:00.000-07:00

Sad news for AWD, it seems that all around me have gone mad! I have no idea as to the scope of this infection, whether it's localized to Blue Division or stretches to the entirety of our glorious organization. But the truth remains the same:

I am being hunted.

All day people have been giving me odd looks, and I swear I am being tracked. But they have no idea with whom they deal. There's a reason I've survived coup after overthrow after power struggle. Let's see how prepared they are for a size 10 boot to the old "unauthorized zone"!

Drat! Some one's at the door. Any of you who are still loyal to me and to AWD give the secret signal to all cameras! WIth any luck, I'll come and collect you soon...

ANIMA ET LUCRI!

ATTENTION: SECTOR YAGA

2008-04-07T20:37:00.000-07:00

The phones here are down, so I'm just going to go ahead and say this here:

Activate the device.

We'll stay here and monitor if it's working or not. If it does, you'll know what to do.

If it dosent... well, you all won't really care will you?

Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri

SUCCESS!

2008-04-01T01:14:00.001-07:00

Well, we did it folks. Countless years of work and effort have finally paid off:

We control the world.

I want to take this opportunity to thank all of you. Also this message is designed with a special code that will activate each and every one of your "Killswitches". By the time you get to this line, you'll be dead and all the power that we've taken will be mine alone...

April Fools!

Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri

LOVE IS IN THE AIR!

2008-02-14T14:04:00.000-08:00

This update is to inform those AWD operatives working within Yanni Sector, and specifically those who do business in our Local Victory Outpost, that we will be testing a new compound in your area today.
Agents in Green Division have been working on a new pheromone compound that will drive normal humans into a state of frenzied... affection, we'll say affection. Please note that any agents in that area are excused for any late work, as today might prove more busy than usual.
Who knows? If all goes well with this test, next year's Super Bowl might prove to be quite interesting.
On a related note, I want all footage of today's test shipped directly to the OverCouncil, as the results of this test interest us greatly.

Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri

A NEW YEAR DAWNS!

2007-12-11T21:38:00.000-08:00

It has recently been brought to my attention that the calender is about to run out of 2007 so I decided to update the status report before the present becomes the past.

-BLUE DIVISION
We here at Blue have seen great leaps and bounds as of late. Our dummy corporations are seeing spikes in profit as Christmas Shoppers abound. One of our newest mind control initiatives Project: Hemisphere has seen great success as one of the holiday's best selling toys "Baby's First Talking Nighttime Mobile". We expect to see results as the unwitting subjects reach positions of power in 20-30 years.

-RED DIVISION
A number of great victories in the field were overshadowed by a crippling defeat in the heart of the pacific ocean. One of our undersea military instillation (Site Gamma-13, or Fort Chesterfield, as it is known familiarly) came under attack from an enemy force. Thankfully the site was not destroyed, but several good agents lost their lives in the attack.
Know that the enemy forces (in this case Panasonic and their crack submarine division) shall soon feel our anger. OverLord Red is not known for dawdling when there is vengeance to be had.

-GREEN DIVISION
We grow a step closer each day to our goal of point-to-point teleportation. As of right now we can send things through space instantaneously, but where it will come out is a complete mystery.
On a related note please inform your local Headquarters if you see the following operatives: Green Blast, Green Weevil, Green Yarn and Green Freeze.

-IVORY DIVISION
Dedicated Conjurers work tirelessly to resurrect the spirit of Julius Cesar in an ongoing attempt to learn from the past. Sadly, it would appear that his spirit is unreachable. Top Ivory theorists speculate that it is because his soul ended up in the wrong afterlife, or that he is not, in fact, dead. The suggest that he is living (so to speak) as a vampire somewhere north of Prague.

-BLACK DIVISION
As always, our intellegece divions failures and successes are classified to keep our agents safe.

-ORANGE DIVISION
An estimated 132 traitors were caught and processed in the passed few weeks, thanks to the tireless efforts of one Orange Butterfly. She has single-handedly rooted out every enemy agent in our ranks that has crossed her path, fulfilling her quota exactly.
Where she keeps coming across all this evidence is a wonder. How she gets so many signed confessions is between her and the torture chambers in Orange Headquarters.

-PURPLE DIVISION
The war against the Sentient Fungi from Alpha Centauri is going as well as can be expected. However, new recruits are always needed for the fight against this tireless enemy. As a reminder to those out on the front line: If you feel any itchiness of the eyes, ears, throat or lungs, please inform a superior agent so they may dispose of you before you become a sick human slave to the evil Fungi.

-YELLOW DIVISION
Kudos to agents Yellow Reader and Yellow Bandit for capturing a group of time pirates out to plunder the secrets of the Knights Templar. Rest assure that these criminals were dealt with swiftly, and their bones left to bleach in the hot desert sun. The information they were seeking could have lead them to a large stash of treasure which has recently be knocked down to make way for one of AWD's many underground bases. The Knights Templar have been informed in the present, and (begrudgingly) thank us for our work.

To all our Agents and Operatives in the feild, keep up the good work! Christmas Bonuses have, sadly, been canceled.

Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri

BIG THINGS ON THE HORIZON!

2007-10-09T00:06:00.000-07:00

For those of you in my inner circle, you are well aware that I have been very busy as of late. For those out you outside said circle, you have been kept unaware by the robot duplicate that has taken my place for the past three months.

As is my wont, I have once again delved deep into the arts mystical. I know, I know, this is not my department's specialty, but why let Ivory have all the fun? After pouring over some musty tomes I've kept lying around I discovered a few mentions of an obscure demon that I'd never heard of before. Long story short, I initiated a global search for several important relics (a few of which now adorn my trophy shelf) and aligned them under a full moon.

As I chanted the mystic rites I noticed something different about this summoning. There wasen't the usual smell of sulpher, or the feeling of static electricity in the air. Instead I got the sudden feeling that there was some sale that I was missing three counties over. An odd feeling to be sure, but it was only about to get stranger.

The demon appeard from the Eather, looking like a cross between an iguana, a North American spotted grasshopper, and Calvin Coolidge. He greeted me and offered to grant me my deepest desire. Now, if you have been in AWD for any length of time, you can guess what my deepest desire is, but OverLord Blue is no demon's fool. I knew there had to be a catch.

So, I asked the Demon what he expected in return. To my horror, he did not ask for my soul, or even the soul of one of my subordinates. Instead he demanded that I simply answer a question.

I can honestly say, agents and operatives, that this was the first and only time I have regreted my lack of knowledge of Love Boat...

Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri

WHOEVER KEEPS MESSING WITH MY PAPERS, CUT IT OUT!

2007-07-13T01:56:00.000-07:00

I swear to all that is powerful in our universe, if I catch whoever is messing around in my desk... I will do something that is fairly unpleasant. It's like I leave my office, all my papers are where I want them, and by the time I get back they're all alphabetized, filed and put away!

What the hell do I need to do? Put a 13th lock on my door!?

Hold on, I'm getting a phone call.

...

Apparently I have a secretary now? When did this happen? I need to go talk to some people.

Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri

TEST SUBJECTS NEEDED POST HASTE!

2007-07-09T19:27:00.000-07:00

Black Division has just updated me concerning their Reykjavik Initiative, which involves the development of the Eighth Sense. For those of you who need a reminder, the human body has around 12 senses that we have found.
You are all familiar with the first five (sight, hearing, touch, taste, smell). The sixth vastly differs between individuals; for example some can sense the undead, some can find lost keys, others can follow electrical current. I personally have a sixth sense for bad movies, I can tell a movie will be bad based solely on the opening credits. The Seventh sense is gravity.
But it is the Reykjavik Initiative that is attempting to heighten the common recruits' sense of the future, number 8. A number of techniques have already been developed, but some are still in the experimental stage.
This is where you, the AWD Operatives, come in.
OverLord Black has asked me to post a general bulletin seeking people to fill the following positions:

-Chemovoyant: Someone who is willing to drink unknown elixirs, and then guess what card Agent Black Fedora is holding.

-Inertiovoyant: Someone who feels comfortable sitting in a high powered centrifuge, then juggle four power crystals. After which guess what Agent Black Jumper is about to say.

-Electrovoyant: Someone who will be strapped to a large chair, and shocked repeatedly, then made to inhale an ancient magic powder. They must then be able to predict which side a piece of toast will land.

-Erotovoyant: Someone who is willing to look at various forms of pornography, and to perhaps participate in sexual intercourse. They must then predict the outcome of the next American Presidential Election.

If you have read any of those and thought "Hey, that sounds just like the sort of thing I could die happy doing", then please contact me, OverLord Blue, and I will pass on your application to OverLord Black.

Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri

Hello to all Agents and Operatives of all branches of AWD

2007-07-06T01:45:00.000-07:00

It brings me great joy to announce that as of today, there will be a new division of the Association of World Domination. Today Orange Division steps out into the light, so to speak. I have been asked, as the new leader of said division, to explain the change to you all.
Due to the recent outbreak of dissent, treachery, and general laziness of certain agents, it has been decided by the OverCouncil to create a branch of AWD dedicated to rooting out and destroying such problems before they can spread. I would like to take a moment to state on a more personal note: I take great pleasure in my work, for I feel it is important to enjoy what you do. That being the case, I would like to point out my various qualifications for this new position.
I have know the location of every nerve on the human body from head to toe. I know the exact voltage of lethal electricity (which happens to change depending on bodily location). I own many stain-proof suits. I have a knife collection that encompasses an entire wing of the newly constructed Orange Headquarters. The walls of my office are soundproof, and yet has very unassuming wallpaper.
Finally, I am very well suited for this job because of one simple thing: Nobody in this organization knows my face. As far as any of you are concerned, I am the man two desks over, the woman who cleans the floors, the lab assistant, the butcher, the baker, the balloon vendor... anyone.
That being said, nobody needs to worry. I highly doubt that our traitor problems will last very much longer. So rest easy, sleep tight and please enjoy your day.

Head of Orange Division,
OverLord Orange

END OF WORLD DATE RESCHEDULED

2007-07-06T01:02:00.000-07:00

After a week or so of deep solitude, I and the other Grand Oracles of Blue Division have come to the same conclusion: We were wrong about the world ending on July 10th 1997. It's been a while, I know, but we wanted to be sure of our error before reporting it. We are very thorough people if nothing else.
Thankfully, we have come to an alternative date for the end of the world: August 17th 2015. This is good news for us, because it allows us more time for our plans to come to fruition. Our new date of Total Conquest is sometime in April, 2010.
Everyone is going to have to step it up, just becasue we get an extra 18 years to get everything done (plant mutated crops, set up armies, imprisoning dissadents, freeing political prisoners, perfect cybernetic implants, etc.) dosent mean we dont have to work hard to get there.
One final word for those Yellow Agents working in Winston Sector: Keep an eye out for a large, reptillain lifeform. It has very large, sharp claws, can spit acid and move at around 80mph. It answers to the name Ronnie, and is probably just lonely and misunderstood.
If found (and subdued), please return to Blue Operatives in the area.

Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri

SEEKING AGENTS FOR SPECIAL OP.

2007-06-28T01:25:00.000-07:00

We who are working on Project: Load Runner are almost embarassed to admit that we have hit a snag. After last wednsday's purge of traitors and rule breakers we have found ourselves missing one member.
At this point, we are unsure whether Agent Black Ruby was liquidated in the purge, or simply wandered off, but the fact remains that she is gone.
For those of you unaware of the details of Project L.R. it involves basic mind control delivered through soundwaves. We've been experimenting with this idea for the past several years, but it is only recently that we have discovered an effective method of delivery.
Our first step is to create a sensation in the underground indie music scene. From there our thirteenth album would be picked up by a major label, thus propelling us into the national spotlight. Then college students from all over the United States will enter record stores to find our first album to impress their friends. Little do they know that our debut album (while it may contain our finest music) is layden with hypnotic auto-suggestion and killer harmonies.
Anyway, I have gotten ahead of myself. Long story short:
We need a new bassist.

Email your information and a demo to animaetlucri@gmail.com

Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri

DEATH KNOCKS IN THE GUISE OF CONFECTIONARY DELIGHTS!

2007-06-07T19:08:00.000-07:00

Sad news from headquarters today, one of our most brilliant agents lays dead in her cubicle. Agent Blue Turbo lost her her life today in a combination of deceit and candy. Reports indicate that she received an anonymous gift today on her desk between a stack of finished reports and a small statuette of one "Tasmanian Devil" in mid spin. Upon opening it, she discovered a box of assorted candies, and began to search out whom had left it for her. Thankfully, by that time I was back in my office.
After eating a single piece, a severe peanut allergy caused her throat to close up, then promptly explode. I assure the next recipient of my affections, I will do better research next time. My condolences to Blue Turbo's family.
In lighter news, a radiation leak in sector Alabaster lead to a hilarious mutation in Operative Black Rooster. If you see him in the hallway, be sure to enjoy the rendition of Back In Black that his lungs now whistle every time he breaths!
May you all continue in your success, and be sure to be aware of your own allergies, be they for peanuts, or high levels or radiation...

Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri

COVERT OP. SUCCESS IN ITALY!

2007-06-05T20:23:00.000-07:00

I am proud to report that our Italian branch, lead by one of our top agents: Ivory Coast, has successfully completed it's objective.
If you will recall from the 32nd 5 point plan we are attempting to establish a larger foothold in southern Europe to gain power in the Mediterranean sea. Our methods are simple and ingenious, our agents places special transceivers on ships all across the Italian peninsula which send out a signal that angers a very special breed of fish...
If you are unfamiliar with Project: Poseidon's Wrath we have bred a special kind of fish that is able to fire a high-intensity beam of energy able to cut through any ship's hull (except wood, thankfully the day of the mighty galleon has come and gone).
But, though the devices are in place we are not in the clear yet. We must hope that the fish are never caught commercially. A side effect of the genetic manipulation has left this particular breed quite delicious. It would surely be a smash on the open market, and the creatures would be fished to extinction, making them useless to us.
On that note, there will be a very special menu next week in all cafeterias controlled by AWD. Consider it a reward for future successes, no need to thank me. A dictator I may be, but a noble heart beats in this chest.

Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri

WHEN ANIMALS ATTACK... OUR ENIMIES!

2007-05-28T22:28:00.000-07:00

Reports from forward operatives looking very good today, as news trickles in that the leapord did in fact make it.
It seems that some civillians might have been caught in the crossfire, due to a bit of a mix up at out Israile HQ. But after a brief stopover he did make it to the secret meeting of the Brotherhood of Total Conquest (BTC) where it successfully mauled several leading figures of that orginization.
I would like to take some time out to apologize to the unfortunate family who was caught in the crossfire, know that it probably won't happen again.

Before I go, there is one update for those operating in Rachel Sector: be careful. We've had some serious leaks out there, and we wouldnt wany anybody to get mutated.

Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri

IT'S WORKING!

2007-04-07T23:38:00.000-07:00

It's working.

The Scott Initiative

IT'S WORKING!!

Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri

REVITALIZOR A STUNNING SUCCESS!

2007-04-06T20:56:00.000-07:00

You may or may not recall a certain initiative, pushed through by Overlady Ivory several month ago, to begin research on drugs that would slow or reverse the aging process. Those efforts have at last shown signs of progress. Special agents covertly slipped the experimental 45-b-2dr compound into the mashed potatoes of one Elsie McLean.
As I'm sure some of you know, this 102 year old is now the oldest person to score a Hole-in-One. Can your mind handle the sheer breakthrough this event means for our organization!? A HIO is incredibly difficult for anyone to score, at any age. Our scientist have given someone over a century old the coordination, power and form necessary to score this most difficult of shots.
Work is now continuing, look for special food supplements within the week. They are going to be small white pills, and are definitely not aspirin.

Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri

TRAITOR CAPTURED!

2007-04-02T19:55:00.000-07:00

Just moments ago a report found it's way to my desk, filed by Operative Black Wheelie, telling of a heroic struggle against a foul traitor. I now recount the highlights for you, the Agents and Operatives. Let this be a lesson to all of you: We do NOT condone treachery!

-5.34 Agent Red Patches suspected of using AWD email account for personal reasons (forbidden under Code 3215-Sub Paragraph 7)

-5.47 Investigation uncovers a series of lewd messages sent to unknown person. Details too racy to include in official reports (full print-outs attached per your orders, sir)

-6.01 Agents dispatched to Red Patches' desk

-6.29 Red Patches appears to be out

-6.53 Still no sign of Patches

-7.37 Saw person walking by, enquired as to the whereabouts of Red Patches; passerby seemed hesitant, beaten, knew nothing

-8.22 Operative Blue Zipper excuses himself to restroom

-8.24 B. Zipper claims that someone is holding their feet up in one of the stalls, trying to hide no doubt (refer to training manual pg 22 section 4 "How to Tell if Someone is Hiding: The Bathroom Stall Feet Trick", this situation is clearly discussed)

-8.35 Definitely Red Patches, Green Watch and I wait outside (Article 33, Section 2, Paragraph 7: no female personnel in male restrooms and vice versa)

-8.49 Zipper exits restroom looking haggard, but with Red Patches in custody; Traitor confesses to writing emails to secret sweet-heart, said sweet-heart is under the employ of Society for Total Control (STC)

-9.00 Traitor executed, higher-ups of STC contacted, assuming they executed sweet-heart

As you all can plainly see, those who choose to fraternize with the enemy, no matter how sweet their heart, can expect nothing but cold, swift, salty justice. Now, if you all will excuse me, I have several pages of traitorous emails to leaf through.

Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri

ATTENTION YELLOW OPERATIVES:

2007-04-02T19:32:00.000-07:00

There will be a special message from Blue Division tonight at 9:31 pm in the form of a harmless breakfast sausage commercial. Turn to channel 23 at this precise time to learn startling new information regarding the Lycra Initiative. Skip every third word in the announcer's speech and reverse the punctuation, turning each 15th letter counterclockwise by a degree of 32.9 and therein lies the message.
Special thanks to Blue Hyperion for her tireless efforts backstage on the set of this particular commercial. Thanks to her, we can all enjoy an enhanced level of communication. As is customary, she will be receiving her gift basket in 2-3 business days.

Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri

PROGRESS MADE REGARDING ST. HELENS!

2007-03-27T23:10:00.000-07:00

You will all be glad to hear that our tireless work with specialized geomancers has finally opened up a stable magma chamber beneath the former AWD geological super weapon the Omega Cannon (Mt. St. H.). Luckily our efforts remain undetected, civilians calling it a "natural event".
As you may know we first took an interest in the creation of the Omega Cannon out of the remains of the former St. Helens in 1993. Noting the power of untamed nature our minds reeled at the possibility of such a force under our control. Since then Green division has been working tirelessly to harness the power through techno-mystic means.
So far the only outside entity aware of our current activities is the USPS (United States Postal Service), an independent branch of the US government. So far they have been trying their hardest to uproot us from the area, but to no avail. Our only worry is that they might try to expose us to a more threatening power, but thankfully they are on bad terms with their own people since the Harrington fiasco.
Wish us luck, and send your well wishes to Agent Green Skittles for his hard work, truly this man has enviable stamina. Nobody can fault his rigid dedication.

Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri

HIDDEN MESSAGE SENT!

2007-03-21T20:11:00.000-07:00

Using the handy decoding sheet we sent all of you grab this month's issue of Forgotten Recipes and flip to page 46. Skipping passed the enchanting article about Abraham Lincoln's famous Grilled Salmon Steaks, use the sheet to find your next assignment in paragraph three.
Keep up the work, preferably good.
Also, thanks to Agent Blue Tarnish for her work on the Gregory Initiative. We couldn't have done it without you!

Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri

GLORIOUS RETURN FROM HIDING!

2007-03-15T02:53:00.000-07:00

I understand your grief, fellow members of AWD, but worry no longer for I, Overlord Blue, am safe. You all must have been so worried when one of my more notable secret bases ceased all communication with the outside world. It must have kept you all up at night wondering what could have possibly happened to your beloved leader. Now that it is over, I have officially declassified the whole thing for your benefit.

The following are excerpts from my private journal:

Feb 18; my dream is soon to come to fruition. It has taken my underlings and I years to get this far. In a few short days I will attain my full potential.

Feb 23; palms burning, but is a good pain, worthy pain. Nobody can understand the full power of the device... the force it can deliver.

Feb 28; cannot take the strain for much longer, though it is needed. Been up for 36 hours, no food save what I can spare from the main supply. Need more time to discover it's secrets!

Mar 3; smell driving me mad... underlings anxious, understandable... nobody gets what I'm trying to do, they're fools! Do the simply not realize the full significance?

Mar 6; Tomorrow, I show them.

Mar 13; all I can remember is fire... plan for perfect carrot cake must be shelved for now. Deaths: innumerable Cost: incalculable. However, such is the price of progress. Sugar to flour ratio nearly perfected.

As you can see, I have been incredibly busy. Luckily Overlord Grey covered for me on the update. No doubt you've all been kept up to date on the day-to-day happenings of the organization- what?

It appears Overlord Gray has been falling down on the job. This, people, is why we have acid mines...

Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri

Urgent Message, Priority Vermillion

2007-03-05T19:15:00.000-08:00

Twelve-string guitars back in vogue.

Please leave your shoes at the door.

Urgent Message, Priority Mauve

2007-02-16T14:00:00.000-08:00

The raven has left the icebox.

Chocolate sauce slightly too sweet. Spoon recommended.

PETA: Feel the sting of corruption

2007-02-16T09:44:00.000-08:00

In an attempt to quiet further protests from PETA about the use of dolphins as undercover operatives, Agent Red Zenith and Myself infiltrated PETA headquarters so that we may assassinate the leading opponents of our objectives. We soon found out, however, that the PETA security system was slightly more robust than we were prepared to cope with. After disabling the laser turrets and anti-personel mines, we were making our way into the complex. Apparently there were hidden motion detectors that set off what I assume were dog whistles, for the moment we set foot past the outer wall, a pack of hidden dogs pounced upon us! Much to our suprise, the dogs could speak! They also had strange cybernetic enhancements on their eyes and bodies. WHAT WAS PETA DOING TO THESE ANIMALS!? The quick witted Red Zenith hurriedly issued a series of commanding barks to the vicious animals. They slowly backed down from us, and we were finally able to communicate with them. After about 20 minutes of quiet conversation, we were able to persuade the dogs to work for us if we set them free of PETA's oppressive clutches. We each gave the dogs a pack of tools to aid their infiltration deeper into the complex. About 10 minutes later, the central building in the complex violently exploded. We made our exit.

SECRET WAR DECLARED!

2007-02-13T22:55:00.000-08:00

It is my solemn duty to inform all our agents and operatives that as of today AWD is declaring total war on the Society for Total Control (STC). As some of you may already know, this pretender organization also has world domination as it's goal, so it was inevitable that we would come into conflict.
However, this state of war was not planned by us to happen until June 7th 2009, when we were going to glue all the doors in their secret lair shut. Sadly, out current conflict is due to a surprise attack on my person just hours ago by one of their high ranking officers.
A certain "Prime Monarch" and I were discussing (over a pleasant meal) a temporary alliance against the Esoteric Order of International Overthrow (EOIO), when suddenly I noticed a hand that was not mine, picking through my French fries!
"Oh, were you going to eat those?" The swine asked me.
I informed him that I was fully aware of his scheme to poison my food and promptly upended the table, tossed a smoke bomb onto the floor and fled the room. You will all be glad to know that no traces of poison have been found in my system and my rule continues un-threatened.
All Agents of AWD are instructed to engage any STC operatives on sight. Since their talent for disguise is second only to our own, I will remind you that some tell-tale signs of membership in STC are Treachery, snotty attitudes and horrible haircuts.
I wish you all the best of luck against this new enemy. Be on the watch for members of EOIO as well. You can never tell what devious scheme those guys are up to.

Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT:

2007-02-13T18:10:00.000-08:00

It has recently come to my attention that a pair of my shoes has gone missing.
I recall taking them off during our last Over-Council meeting because my feet were quite hot. However, I neglected to put them back on and left the meeting chamber. Now, upon return, I cannot seem to locate them.
If anyone has the slightest inkling as to where they could be found, please contact me privately. Although, if I find out that anyone has intentionally taken them, I will be forced to take swift and violent action. Practical jokes played on an Overperson are, as you all know, punishable by 10-12 days in the acid mines, or death (whichever the most convenient option may be at the time).

Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri

OPERATIONS LOOKING WELL IN CALIFORNIA!

2007-02-12T18:51:00.000-08:00

Early last week one of our most important plans started to bear fruit.
For those of you who received AWD 5YP #216 please recall point 627b: "To spread chaos and stir political unrest in California by use of Agents posing as Street Performers". It is my happy duty to inform you of our first successful strike!
However, it was not one of our numerous agents who struck the blow, but instead a lone madman. Frederick Evan Young, dressed as popular pilot figure Chewbacca, became violent with a Californian tour guide on Monday and headbutted him. You may ask how we can take credit for something our Agents did not do, and you would be right. However it was Agent Green Hourglass who secreted into Young's home the night before and slipped a very special chemical agent into the Performer's daily lunch of Sardine Mayonnaise sandwich and beer.
Chemical #2518 or "Angry Sauce", as some of you already know, cause the subject to become irritable and self-righteous. They will shout at passers by and touch them inappropriately.
Young is said to have shouted: "Nobody tells a Wookie what to do" which is exactly one of the things our test subjects are documented to have screamed at AWD scientists. Among other things: "Don't touch me, I'm Catholic!" "Stop fondling my sandwiches!" and "Overlady Green is PEOPLE!"
It is a happy coincidence that Young was appearing as Chewbacca that day, or we may have been discovered.
I would like to thank Operative Black Orange for this report.

Vincere Causa Anima et Lucri

WASHINGTON TO FEEL OUR PRESENCE!

2007-02-12T18:40:00.000-08:00

I am happy to report the successful infiltration of military forces scheduled to be transferred to Washington State. Approx. 30 of our most trusted Dolphin allies have agreed to go deep undercover supposedly "working for" the United States Military to help find waterborne attacks.
Little does our good Uncle Sam realize that these Dolphins are actually there to subtly influence military politics! These agents will be working hard to indoctrinate new agents, and move up the ranks to positions of power.
Agents working within the subversive organization PETA have also tipped off their supposed superiors to this act of "Animal Cruelty". So long as the nation consideres Dolphin "inferior animals" then our plans are fool-proof.
I would like to personally acknowledge Agent Red Zenith for this report.

Vincere Causa Anima et Lucri