7/13/07

WHOEVER KEEPS MESSING WITH MY PAPERS, CUT IT OUT!

I swear to all that is powerful in our universe, if I catch whoever is messing around in my desk... I will do something that is fairly unpleasant. It's like I leave my office, all my papers are where I want them, and by the time I get back they're all alphabetized, filed and put away!

What the hell do I need to do? Put a 13th lock on my door!?

Hold on, I'm getting a phone call.

...

Apparently I have a secretary now? When did this happen? I need to go talk to some people.

Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri

7/9/07

TEST SUBJECTS NEEDED POST HASTE!

Black Division has just updated me concerning their Reykjavik Initiative, which involves the development of the Eighth Sense. For those of you who need a reminder, the human body has around 12 senses that we have found.
You are all familiar with the first five (sight, hearing, touch, taste, smell). The sixth vastly differs between individuals; for example some can sense the undead, some can find lost keys, others can follow electrical current. I personally have a sixth sense for bad movies, I can tell a movie will be bad based solely on the opening credits. The Seventh sense is gravity.
But it is the Reykjavik Initiative that is attempting to heighten the common recruits' sense of the future, number 8. A number of techniques have already been developed, but some are still in the experimental stage.
This is where you, the AWD Operatives, come in.
OverLord Black has asked me to post a general bulletin seeking people to fill the following positions:

-Chemovoyant: Someone who is willing to drink unknown elixirs, and then guess what card Agent Black Fedora is holding.

-Inertiovoyant: Someone who feels comfortable sitting in a high powered centrifuge, then juggle four power crystals. After which guess what Agent Black Jumper is about to say.

-Electrovoyant: Someone who will be strapped to a large chair, and shocked repeatedly, then made to inhale an ancient magic powder. They must then be able to predict which side a piece of toast will land.

-Erotovoyant: Someone who is willing to look at various forms of pornography, and to perhaps participate in sexual intercourse. They must then predict the outcome of the next American Presidential Election.

If you have read any of those and thought "Hey, that sounds just like the sort of thing I could die happy doing", then please contact me, OverLord Blue, and I will pass on your application to OverLord Black.

Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri

7/6/07

Hello to all Agents and Operatives of all branches of AWD

It brings me great joy to announce that as of today, there will be a new division of the Association of World Domination. Today Orange Division steps out into the light, so to speak. I have been asked, as the new leader of said division, to explain the change to you all.
Due to the recent outbreak of dissent, treachery, and general laziness of certain agents, it has been decided by the OverCouncil to create a branch of AWD dedicated to rooting out and destroying such problems before they can spread. I would like to take a moment to state on a more personal note: I take great pleasure in my work, for I feel it is important to enjoy what you do. That being the case, I would like to point out my various qualifications for this new position.
I have know the location of every nerve on the human body from head to toe. I know the exact voltage of lethal electricity (which happens to change depending on bodily location). I own many stain-proof suits. I have a knife collection that encompasses an entire wing of the newly constructed Orange Headquarters. The walls of my office are soundproof, and yet has very unassuming wallpaper.
Finally, I am very well suited for this job because of one simple thing: Nobody in this organization knows my face. As far as any of you are concerned, I am the man two desks over, the woman who cleans the floors, the lab assistant, the butcher, the baker, the balloon vendor... anyone.
That being said, nobody needs to worry. I highly doubt that our traitor problems will last very much longer. So rest easy, sleep tight and please enjoy your day.

Head of Orange Division,
OverLord Orange

END OF WORLD DATE RESCHEDULED

After a week or so of deep solitude, I and the other Grand Oracles of Blue Division have come to the same conclusion: We were wrong about the world ending on July 10th 1997. It's been a while, I know, but we wanted to be sure of our error before reporting it. We are very thorough people if nothing else.
Thankfully, we have come to an alternative date for the end of the world: August 17th 2015. This is good news for us, because it allows us more time for our plans to come to fruition. Our new date of Total Conquest is sometime in April, 2010.
Everyone is going to have to step it up, just becasue we get an extra 18 years to get everything done (plant mutated crops, set up armies, imprisoning dissadents, freeing political prisoners, perfect cybernetic implants, etc.) dosent mean we dont have to work hard to get there.
One final word for those Yellow Agents working in Winston Sector: Keep an eye out for a large, reptillain lifeform. It has very large, sharp claws, can spit acid and move at around 80mph. It answers to the name Ronnie, and is probably just lonely and misunderstood.
If found (and subdued), please return to Blue Operatives in the area.

Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri