Tomorrow is the day when all of us in the AWD recognize our own greatness with the annual Grand Flag of AWD Celebration Cerimony. During the cerimony, we will pay homage to all those lost in battle, followed by a potluck lunch. However, this year, if you do bring something it MUST be concealed and contained in the official AWDSCDSD (Association for World Domination Snack Conceilment and Decontaminating Serving Device) in order to stop any threat of poisoning by traitors. Fail to do so, and you will be forced to report to your local Execution Officer.
---NEW THIS YEAR: Disembowelment Chamber!---
As always, family is invited. All family members must remain in the AWDFICC (Association for World Domination Family Interrogation and Captivity Chamber). IT IS FOR THEIR OWN GOOD!
And last but not least, all AWDFCC (Association for World Domination Flag Celebration Cerimony) events will NOT be taking place this year due to the ever growing threat of treason.
Call or email your section supervisor for more details.
5/23/08
EMERGENCY UPDATE
Here are a few things I've learned today:
1) Clones are very fast
2) They seem to posess personal memories of their original (for example, passwords)
3) A size 10 to the ol' Unauthorized Zone hurts... a lot.
In conclusion:
Whoever keeps cloning me- you are the only one who's laughing!
It's probably Green Division, hazing some new scientists, playing pranks (damn punks). If I find out who is responsible, mark my words: A Size 10 in your zone will be the LEAST of your problems!
Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri
1) Clones are very fast
2) They seem to posess personal memories of their original (for example, passwords)
3) A size 10 to the ol' Unauthorized Zone hurts... a lot.
In conclusion:
Whoever keeps cloning me- you are the only one who's laughing!
It's probably Green Division, hazing some new scientists, playing pranks (damn punks). If I find out who is responsible, mark my words: A Size 10 in your zone will be the LEAST of your problems!
Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri
TRAITORS! TRAITORS EVERYWHERE!
Sad news for AWD, it seems that all around me have gone mad! I have no idea as to the scope of this infection, whether it's localized to Blue Division or stretches to the entirety of our glorious organization. But the truth remains the same:
I am being hunted.
All day people have been giving me odd looks, and I swear I am being tracked. But they have no idea with whom they deal. There's a reason I've survived coup after overthrow after power struggle. Let's see how prepared they are for a size 10 boot to the old "unauthorized zone"!
Drat! Some one's at the door. Any of you who are still loyal to me and to AWD give the secret signal to all cameras! WIth any luck, I'll come and collect you soon...
ANIMA ET LUCRI!
I am being hunted.
All day people have been giving me odd looks, and I swear I am being tracked. But they have no idea with whom they deal. There's a reason I've survived coup after overthrow after power struggle. Let's see how prepared they are for a size 10 boot to the old "unauthorized zone"!
Drat! Some one's at the door. Any of you who are still loyal to me and to AWD give the secret signal to all cameras! WIth any luck, I'll come and collect you soon...
ANIMA ET LUCRI!
4/7/08
ATTENTION: SECTOR YAGA
The phones here are down, so I'm just going to go ahead and say this here:
Activate the device.
We'll stay here and monitor if it's working or not. If it does, you'll know what to do.
If it dosent... well, you all won't really care will you?
Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri
Activate the device.
We'll stay here and monitor if it's working or not. If it does, you'll know what to do.
If it dosent... well, you all won't really care will you?
Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri
4/1/08
SUCCESS!
Well, we did it folks. Countless years of work and effort have finally paid off:
We control the world.
I want to take this opportunity to thank all of you. Also this message is designed with a special code that will activate each and every one of your "Killswitches". By the time you get to this line, you'll be dead and all the power that we've taken will be mine alone...
April Fools!
Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri
We control the world.
I want to take this opportunity to thank all of you. Also this message is designed with a special code that will activate each and every one of your "Killswitches". By the time you get to this line, you'll be dead and all the power that we've taken will be mine alone...
April Fools!
Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri
2/14/08
LOVE IS IN THE AIR!
This update is to inform those AWD operatives working within Yanni Sector, and specifically those who do business in our Local Victory Outpost, that we will be testing a new compound in your area today.
Agents in Green Division have been working on a new pheromone compound that will drive normal humans into a state of frenzied... affection, we'll say affection. Please note that any agents in that area are excused for any late work, as today might prove more busy than usual.
Who knows? If all goes well with this test, next year's Super Bowl might prove to be quite interesting.
On a related note, I want all footage of today's test shipped directly to the OverCouncil, as the results of this test interest us greatly.
Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri
Agents in Green Division have been working on a new pheromone compound that will drive normal humans into a state of frenzied... affection, we'll say affection. Please note that any agents in that area are excused for any late work, as today might prove more busy than usual.
Who knows? If all goes well with this test, next year's Super Bowl might prove to be quite interesting.
On a related note, I want all footage of today's test shipped directly to the OverCouncil, as the results of this test interest us greatly.
Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri
12/11/07
A NEW YEAR DAWNS!
It has recently been brought to my attention that the calender is about to run out of 2007 so I decided to update the status report before the present becomes the past.
-BLUE DIVISION
We here at Blue have seen great leaps and bounds as of late. Our dummy corporations are seeing spikes in profit as Christmas Shoppers abound. One of our newest mind control initiatives Project: Hemisphere has seen great success as one of the holiday's best selling toys "Baby's First Talking Nighttime Mobile". We expect to see results as the unwitting subjects reach positions of power in 20-30 years.
-RED DIVISION
A number of great victories in the field were overshadowed by a crippling defeat in the heart of the pacific ocean. One of our undersea military instillation (Site Gamma-13, or Fort Chesterfield, as it is known familiarly) came under attack from an enemy force. Thankfully the site was not destroyed, but several good agents lost their lives in the attack.
Know that the enemy forces (in this case Panasonic and their crack submarine division) shall soon feel our anger. OverLord Red is not known for dawdling when there is vengeance to be had.
-GREEN DIVISION
We grow a step closer each day to our goal of point-to-point teleportation. As of right now we can send things through space instantaneously, but where it will come out is a complete mystery.
On a related note please inform your local Headquarters if you see the following operatives: Green Blast, Green Weevil, Green Yarn and Green Freeze.
-IVORY DIVISION
Dedicated Conjurers work tirelessly to resurrect the spirit of Julius Cesar in an ongoing attempt to learn from the past. Sadly, it would appear that his spirit is unreachable. Top Ivory theorists speculate that it is because his soul ended up in the wrong afterlife, or that he is not, in fact, dead. The suggest that he is living (so to speak) as a vampire somewhere north of Prague.
-BLACK DIVISION
As always, our intellegece divions failures and successes are classified to keep our agents safe.
-ORANGE DIVISION
An estimated 132 traitors were caught and processed in the passed few weeks, thanks to the tireless efforts of one Orange Butterfly. She has single-handedly rooted out every enemy agent in our ranks that has crossed her path, fulfilling her quota exactly.
Where she keeps coming across all this evidence is a wonder. How she gets so many signed confessions is between her and the torture chambers in Orange Headquarters.
-PURPLE DIVISION
The war against the Sentient Fungi from Alpha Centauri is going as well as can be expected. However, new recruits are always needed for the fight against this tireless enemy. As a reminder to those out on the front line: If you feel any itchiness of the eyes, ears, throat or lungs, please inform a superior agent so they may dispose of you before you become a sick human slave to the evil Fungi.
-YELLOW DIVISION
Kudos to agents Yellow Reader and Yellow Bandit for capturing a group of time pirates out to plunder the secrets of the Knights Templar. Rest assure that these criminals were dealt with swiftly, and their bones left to bleach in the hot desert sun. The information they were seeking could have lead them to a large stash of treasure which has recently be knocked down to make way for one of AWD's many underground bases. The Knights Templar have been informed in the present, and (begrudgingly) thank us for our work.
To all our Agents and Operatives in the feild, keep up the good work! Christmas Bonuses have, sadly, been canceled.
Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri
-BLUE DIVISION
We here at Blue have seen great leaps and bounds as of late. Our dummy corporations are seeing spikes in profit as Christmas Shoppers abound. One of our newest mind control initiatives Project: Hemisphere has seen great success as one of the holiday's best selling toys "Baby's First Talking Nighttime Mobile". We expect to see results as the unwitting subjects reach positions of power in 20-30 years.
-RED DIVISION
A number of great victories in the field were overshadowed by a crippling defeat in the heart of the pacific ocean. One of our undersea military instillation (Site Gamma-13, or Fort Chesterfield, as it is known familiarly) came under attack from an enemy force. Thankfully the site was not destroyed, but several good agents lost their lives in the attack.
Know that the enemy forces (in this case Panasonic and their crack submarine division) shall soon feel our anger. OverLord Red is not known for dawdling when there is vengeance to be had.
-GREEN DIVISION
We grow a step closer each day to our goal of point-to-point teleportation. As of right now we can send things through space instantaneously, but where it will come out is a complete mystery.
On a related note please inform your local Headquarters if you see the following operatives: Green Blast, Green Weevil, Green Yarn and Green Freeze.
-IVORY DIVISION
Dedicated Conjurers work tirelessly to resurrect the spirit of Julius Cesar in an ongoing attempt to learn from the past. Sadly, it would appear that his spirit is unreachable. Top Ivory theorists speculate that it is because his soul ended up in the wrong afterlife, or that he is not, in fact, dead. The suggest that he is living (so to speak) as a vampire somewhere north of Prague.
-BLACK DIVISION
As always, our intellegece divions failures and successes are classified to keep our agents safe.
-ORANGE DIVISION
An estimated 132 traitors were caught and processed in the passed few weeks, thanks to the tireless efforts of one Orange Butterfly. She has single-handedly rooted out every enemy agent in our ranks that has crossed her path, fulfilling her quota exactly.
Where she keeps coming across all this evidence is a wonder. How she gets so many signed confessions is between her and the torture chambers in Orange Headquarters.
-PURPLE DIVISION
The war against the Sentient Fungi from Alpha Centauri is going as well as can be expected. However, new recruits are always needed for the fight against this tireless enemy. As a reminder to those out on the front line: If you feel any itchiness of the eyes, ears, throat or lungs, please inform a superior agent so they may dispose of you before you become a sick human slave to the evil Fungi.
-YELLOW DIVISION
Kudos to agents Yellow Reader and Yellow Bandit for capturing a group of time pirates out to plunder the secrets of the Knights Templar. Rest assure that these criminals were dealt with swiftly, and their bones left to bleach in the hot desert sun. The information they were seeking could have lead them to a large stash of treasure which has recently be knocked down to make way for one of AWD's many underground bases. The Knights Templar have been informed in the present, and (begrudgingly) thank us for our work.
To all our Agents and Operatives in the feild, keep up the good work! Christmas Bonuses have, sadly, been canceled.
Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri
10/9/07
BIG THINGS ON THE HORIZON!
For those of you in my inner circle, you are well aware that I have been very busy as of late. For those out you outside said circle, you have been kept unaware by the robot duplicate that has taken my place for the past three months.
As is my wont, I have once again delved deep into the arts mystical. I know, I know, this is not my department's specialty, but why let Ivory have all the fun? After pouring over some musty tomes I've kept lying around I discovered a few mentions of an obscure demon that I'd never heard of before. Long story short, I initiated a global search for several important relics (a few of which now adorn my trophy shelf) and aligned them under a full moon.
As I chanted the mystic rites I noticed something different about this summoning. There wasen't the usual smell of sulpher, or the feeling of static electricity in the air. Instead I got the sudden feeling that there was some sale that I was missing three counties over. An odd feeling to be sure, but it was only about to get stranger.
The demon appeard from the Eather, looking like a cross between an iguana, a North American spotted grasshopper, and Calvin Coolidge. He greeted me and offered to grant me my deepest desire. Now, if you have been in AWD for any length of time, you can guess what my deepest desire is, but OverLord Blue is no demon's fool. I knew there had to be a catch.
So, I asked the Demon what he expected in return. To my horror, he did not ask for my soul, or even the soul of one of my subordinates. Instead he demanded that I simply answer a question.
I can honestly say, agents and operatives, that this was the first and only time I have regreted my lack of knowledge of Love Boat...
Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri
As is my wont, I have once again delved deep into the arts mystical. I know, I know, this is not my department's specialty, but why let Ivory have all the fun? After pouring over some musty tomes I've kept lying around I discovered a few mentions of an obscure demon that I'd never heard of before. Long story short, I initiated a global search for several important relics (a few of which now adorn my trophy shelf) and aligned them under a full moon.
As I chanted the mystic rites I noticed something different about this summoning. There wasen't the usual smell of sulpher, or the feeling of static electricity in the air. Instead I got the sudden feeling that there was some sale that I was missing three counties over. An odd feeling to be sure, but it was only about to get stranger.
The demon appeard from the Eather, looking like a cross between an iguana, a North American spotted grasshopper, and Calvin Coolidge. He greeted me and offered to grant me my deepest desire. Now, if you have been in AWD for any length of time, you can guess what my deepest desire is, but OverLord Blue is no demon's fool. I knew there had to be a catch.
So, I asked the Demon what he expected in return. To my horror, he did not ask for my soul, or even the soul of one of my subordinates. Instead he demanded that I simply answer a question.
I can honestly say, agents and operatives, that this was the first and only time I have regreted my lack of knowledge of Love Boat...
Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri
7/13/07
WHOEVER KEEPS MESSING WITH MY PAPERS, CUT IT OUT!
I swear to all that is powerful in our universe, if I catch whoever is messing around in my desk... I will do something that is fairly unpleasant. It's like I leave my office, all my papers are where I want them, and by the time I get back they're all alphabetized, filed and put away!
What the hell do I need to do? Put a 13th lock on my door!?
Hold on, I'm getting a phone call.
...
Apparently I have a secretary now? When did this happen? I need to go talk to some people.
Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri
What the hell do I need to do? Put a 13th lock on my door!?
Hold on, I'm getting a phone call.
...
Apparently I have a secretary now? When did this happen? I need to go talk to some people.
Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri
7/9/07
TEST SUBJECTS NEEDED POST HASTE!
Black Division has just updated me concerning their Reykjavik Initiative, which involves the development of the Eighth Sense. For those of you who need a reminder, the human body has around 12 senses that we have found.
You are all familiar with the first five (sight, hearing, touch, taste, smell). The sixth vastly differs between individuals; for example some can sense the undead, some can find lost keys, others can follow electrical current. I personally have a sixth sense for bad movies, I can tell a movie will be bad based solely on the opening credits. The Seventh sense is gravity.
But it is the Reykjavik Initiative that is attempting to heighten the common recruits' sense of the future, number 8. A number of techniques have already been developed, but some are still in the experimental stage.
This is where you, the AWD Operatives, come in.
OverLord Black has asked me to post a general bulletin seeking people to fill the following positions:
-Chemovoyant: Someone who is willing to drink unknown elixirs, and then guess what card Agent Black Fedora is holding.
-Inertiovoyant: Someone who feels comfortable sitting in a high powered centrifuge, then juggle four power crystals. After which guess what Agent Black Jumper is about to say.
-Electrovoyant: Someone who will be strapped to a large chair, and shocked repeatedly, then made to inhale an ancient magic powder. They must then be able to predict which side a piece of toast will land.
-Erotovoyant: Someone who is willing to look at various forms of pornography, and to perhaps participate in sexual intercourse. They must then predict the outcome of the next American Presidential Election.
If you have read any of those and thought "Hey, that sounds just like the sort of thing I could die happy doing", then please contact me, OverLord Blue, and I will pass on your application to OverLord Black.
Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri
You are all familiar with the first five (sight, hearing, touch, taste, smell). The sixth vastly differs between individuals; for example some can sense the undead, some can find lost keys, others can follow electrical current. I personally have a sixth sense for bad movies, I can tell a movie will be bad based solely on the opening credits. The Seventh sense is gravity.
But it is the Reykjavik Initiative that is attempting to heighten the common recruits' sense of the future, number 8. A number of techniques have already been developed, but some are still in the experimental stage.
This is where you, the AWD Operatives, come in.
OverLord Black has asked me to post a general bulletin seeking people to fill the following positions:
-Chemovoyant: Someone who is willing to drink unknown elixirs, and then guess what card Agent Black Fedora is holding.
-Inertiovoyant: Someone who feels comfortable sitting in a high powered centrifuge, then juggle four power crystals. After which guess what Agent Black Jumper is about to say.
-Electrovoyant: Someone who will be strapped to a large chair, and shocked repeatedly, then made to inhale an ancient magic powder. They must then be able to predict which side a piece of toast will land.
-Erotovoyant: Someone who is willing to look at various forms of pornography, and to perhaps participate in sexual intercourse. They must then predict the outcome of the next American Presidential Election.
If you have read any of those and thought "Hey, that sounds just like the sort of thing I could die happy doing", then please contact me, OverLord Blue, and I will pass on your application to OverLord Black.
Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri
7/6/07
Hello to all Agents and Operatives of all branches of AWD
It brings me great joy to announce that as of today, there will be a new division of the Association of World Domination. Today Orange Division steps out into the light, so to speak. I have been asked, as the new leader of said division, to explain the change to you all.
Due to the recent outbreak of dissent, treachery, and general laziness of certain agents, it has been decided by the OverCouncil to create a branch of AWD dedicated to rooting out and destroying such problems before they can spread. I would like to take a moment to state on a more personal note: I take great pleasure in my work, for I feel it is important to enjoy what you do. That being the case, I would like to point out my various qualifications for this new position.
I have know the location of every nerve on the human body from head to toe. I know the exact voltage of lethal electricity (which happens to change depending on bodily location). I own many stain-proof suits. I have a knife collection that encompasses an entire wing of the newly constructed Orange Headquarters. The walls of my office are soundproof, and yet has very unassuming wallpaper.
Finally, I am very well suited for this job because of one simple thing: Nobody in this organization knows my face. As far as any of you are concerned, I am the man two desks over, the woman who cleans the floors, the lab assistant, the butcher, the baker, the balloon vendor... anyone.
That being said, nobody needs to worry. I highly doubt that our traitor problems will last very much longer. So rest easy, sleep tight and please enjoy your day.
Head of Orange Division,
OverLord Orange
Due to the recent outbreak of dissent, treachery, and general laziness of certain agents, it has been decided by the OverCouncil to create a branch of AWD dedicated to rooting out and destroying such problems before they can spread. I would like to take a moment to state on a more personal note: I take great pleasure in my work, for I feel it is important to enjoy what you do. That being the case, I would like to point out my various qualifications for this new position.
I have know the location of every nerve on the human body from head to toe. I know the exact voltage of lethal electricity (which happens to change depending on bodily location). I own many stain-proof suits. I have a knife collection that encompasses an entire wing of the newly constructed Orange Headquarters. The walls of my office are soundproof, and yet has very unassuming wallpaper.
Finally, I am very well suited for this job because of one simple thing: Nobody in this organization knows my face. As far as any of you are concerned, I am the man two desks over, the woman who cleans the floors, the lab assistant, the butcher, the baker, the balloon vendor... anyone.
That being said, nobody needs to worry. I highly doubt that our traitor problems will last very much longer. So rest easy, sleep tight and please enjoy your day.
Head of Orange Division,
OverLord Orange
END OF WORLD DATE RESCHEDULED
After a week or so of deep solitude, I and the other Grand Oracles of Blue Division have come to the same conclusion: We were wrong about the world ending on July 10th 1997. It's been a while, I know, but we wanted to be sure of our error before reporting it. We are very thorough people if nothing else.
Thankfully, we have come to an alternative date for the end of the world: August 17th 2015. This is good news for us, because it allows us more time for our plans to come to fruition. Our new date of Total Conquest is sometime in April, 2010.
Everyone is going to have to step it up, just becasue we get an extra 18 years to get everything done (plant mutated crops, set up armies, imprisoning dissadents, freeing political prisoners, perfect cybernetic implants, etc.) dosent mean we dont have to work hard to get there.
One final word for those Yellow Agents working in Winston Sector: Keep an eye out for a large, reptillain lifeform. It has very large, sharp claws, can spit acid and move at around 80mph. It answers to the name Ronnie, and is probably just lonely and misunderstood.
If found (and subdued), please return to Blue Operatives in the area.
Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri
Thankfully, we have come to an alternative date for the end of the world: August 17th 2015. This is good news for us, because it allows us more time for our plans to come to fruition. Our new date of Total Conquest is sometime in April, 2010.
Everyone is going to have to step it up, just becasue we get an extra 18 years to get everything done (plant mutated crops, set up armies, imprisoning dissadents, freeing political prisoners, perfect cybernetic implants, etc.) dosent mean we dont have to work hard to get there.
One final word for those Yellow Agents working in Winston Sector: Keep an eye out for a large, reptillain lifeform. It has very large, sharp claws, can spit acid and move at around 80mph. It answers to the name Ronnie, and is probably just lonely and misunderstood.
If found (and subdued), please return to Blue Operatives in the area.
Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri
6/28/07
SEEKING AGENTS FOR SPECIAL OP.
We who are working on Project: Load Runner are almost embarassed to admit that we have hit a snag. After last wednsday's purge of traitors and rule breakers we have found ourselves missing one member.
At this point, we are unsure whether Agent Black Ruby was liquidated in the purge, or simply wandered off, but the fact remains that she is gone.
For those of you unaware of the details of Project L.R. it involves basic mind control delivered through soundwaves. We've been experimenting with this idea for the past several years, but it is only recently that we have discovered an effective method of delivery.
Our first step is to create a sensation in the underground indie music scene. From there our thirteenth album would be picked up by a major label, thus propelling us into the national spotlight. Then college students from all over the United States will enter record stores to find our first album to impress their friends. Little do they know that our debut album (while it may contain our finest music) is layden with hypnotic auto-suggestion and killer harmonies.
Anyway, I have gotten ahead of myself. Long story short:
We need a new bassist.
Email your information and a demo to animaetlucri@gmail.com
Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri
At this point, we are unsure whether Agent Black Ruby was liquidated in the purge, or simply wandered off, but the fact remains that she is gone.
For those of you unaware of the details of Project L.R. it involves basic mind control delivered through soundwaves. We've been experimenting with this idea for the past several years, but it is only recently that we have discovered an effective method of delivery.
Our first step is to create a sensation in the underground indie music scene. From there our thirteenth album would be picked up by a major label, thus propelling us into the national spotlight. Then college students from all over the United States will enter record stores to find our first album to impress their friends. Little do they know that our debut album (while it may contain our finest music) is layden with hypnotic auto-suggestion and killer harmonies.
Anyway, I have gotten ahead of myself. Long story short:
We need a new bassist.
Email your information and a demo to animaetlucri@gmail.com
Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri
6/7/07
DEATH KNOCKS IN THE GUISE OF CONFECTIONARY DELIGHTS!
Sad news from headquarters today, one of our most brilliant agents lays dead in her cubicle. Agent Blue Turbo lost her her life today in a combination of deceit and candy. Reports indicate that she received an anonymous gift today on her desk between a stack of finished reports and a small statuette of one "Tasmanian Devil" in mid spin. Upon opening it, she discovered a box of assorted candies, and began to search out whom had left it for her. Thankfully, by that time I was back in my office.
After eating a single piece, a severe peanut allergy caused her throat to close up, then promptly explode. I assure the next recipient of my affections, I will do better research next time. My condolences to Blue Turbo's family.
In lighter news, a radiation leak in sector Alabaster lead to a hilarious mutation in Operative Black Rooster. If you see him in the hallway, be sure to enjoy the rendition of Back In Black that his lungs now whistle every time he breaths!
May you all continue in your success, and be sure to be aware of your own allergies, be they for peanuts, or high levels or radiation...
Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri
After eating a single piece, a severe peanut allergy caused her throat to close up, then promptly explode. I assure the next recipient of my affections, I will do better research next time. My condolences to Blue Turbo's family.
In lighter news, a radiation leak in sector Alabaster lead to a hilarious mutation in Operative Black Rooster. If you see him in the hallway, be sure to enjoy the rendition of Back In Black that his lungs now whistle every time he breaths!
May you all continue in your success, and be sure to be aware of your own allergies, be they for peanuts, or high levels or radiation...
Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri
6/5/07
COVERT OP. SUCCESS IN ITALY!
I am proud to report that our Italian branch, lead by one of our top agents: Ivory Coast, has successfully completed it's objective.
If you will recall from the 32nd 5 point plan we are attempting to establish a larger foothold in southern Europe to gain power in the Mediterranean sea. Our methods are simple and ingenious, our agents places special transceivers on ships all across the Italian peninsula which send out a signal that angers a very special breed of fish...
If you are unfamiliar with Project: Poseidon's Wrath we have bred a special kind of fish that is able to fire a high-intensity beam of energy able to cut through any ship's hull (except wood, thankfully the day of the mighty galleon has come and gone).
But, though the devices are in place we are not in the clear yet. We must hope that the fish are never caught commercially. A side effect of the genetic manipulation has left this particular breed quite delicious. It would surely be a smash on the open market, and the creatures would be fished to extinction, making them useless to us.
On that note, there will be a very special menu next week in all cafeterias controlled by AWD. Consider it a reward for future successes, no need to thank me. A dictator I may be, but a noble heart beats in this chest.
Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri
If you will recall from the 32nd 5 point plan we are attempting to establish a larger foothold in southern Europe to gain power in the Mediterranean sea. Our methods are simple and ingenious, our agents places special transceivers on ships all across the Italian peninsula which send out a signal that angers a very special breed of fish...
If you are unfamiliar with Project: Poseidon's Wrath we have bred a special kind of fish that is able to fire a high-intensity beam of energy able to cut through any ship's hull (except wood, thankfully the day of the mighty galleon has come and gone).
But, though the devices are in place we are not in the clear yet. We must hope that the fish are never caught commercially. A side effect of the genetic manipulation has left this particular breed quite delicious. It would surely be a smash on the open market, and the creatures would be fished to extinction, making them useless to us.
On that note, there will be a very special menu next week in all cafeterias controlled by AWD. Consider it a reward for future successes, no need to thank me. A dictator I may be, but a noble heart beats in this chest.
Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri
5/28/07
WHEN ANIMALS ATTACK... OUR ENIMIES!
Reports from forward operatives looking very good today, as news trickles in that the leapord did in fact make it.
It seems that some civillians might have been caught in the crossfire, due to a bit of a mix up at out Israile HQ. But after a brief stopover he did make it to the secret meeting of the Brotherhood of Total Conquest (BTC) where it successfully mauled several leading figures of that orginization.
I would like to take some time out to apologize to the unfortunate family who was caught in the crossfire, know that it probably won't happen again.
Before I go, there is one update for those operating in Rachel Sector: be careful. We've had some serious leaks out there, and we wouldnt wany anybody to get mutated.
Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri
It seems that some civillians might have been caught in the crossfire, due to a bit of a mix up at out Israile HQ. But after a brief stopover he did make it to the secret meeting of the Brotherhood of Total Conquest (BTC) where it successfully mauled several leading figures of that orginization.
I would like to take some time out to apologize to the unfortunate family who was caught in the crossfire, know that it probably won't happen again.
Before I go, there is one update for those operating in Rachel Sector: be careful. We've had some serious leaks out there, and we wouldnt wany anybody to get mutated.
Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri
4/7/07
4/6/07
REVITALIZOR A STUNNING SUCCESS!
You may or may not recall a certain initiative, pushed through by Overlady Ivory several month ago, to begin research on drugs that would slow or reverse the aging process. Those efforts have at last shown signs of progress. Special agents covertly slipped the experimental 45-b-2dr compound into the mashed potatoes of one Elsie McLean.
As I'm sure some of you know, this 102 year old is now the oldest person to score a Hole-in-One. Can your mind handle the sheer breakthrough this event means for our organization!? A HIO is incredibly difficult for anyone to score, at any age. Our scientist have given someone over a century old the coordination, power and form necessary to score this most difficult of shots.
Work is now continuing, look for special food supplements within the week. They are going to be small white pills, and are definitely not aspirin.
Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri
As I'm sure some of you know, this 102 year old is now the oldest person to score a Hole-in-One. Can your mind handle the sheer breakthrough this event means for our organization!? A HIO is incredibly difficult for anyone to score, at any age. Our scientist have given someone over a century old the coordination, power and form necessary to score this most difficult of shots.
Work is now continuing, look for special food supplements within the week. They are going to be small white pills, and are definitely not aspirin.
Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri
4/2/07
TRAITOR CAPTURED!
Just moments ago a report found it's way to my desk, filed by Operative Black Wheelie, telling of a heroic struggle against a foul traitor. I now recount the highlights for you, the Agents and Operatives. Let this be a lesson to all of you: We do NOT condone treachery!
-5.34 Agent Red Patches suspected of using AWD email account for personal reasons (forbidden under Code 3215-Sub Paragraph 7)
-5.47 Investigation uncovers a series of lewd messages sent to unknown person. Details too racy to include in official reports (full print-outs attached per your orders, sir)
-6.01 Agents dispatched to Red Patches' desk
-6.29 Red Patches appears to be out
-6.53 Still no sign of Patches
-7.37 Saw person walking by, enquired as to the whereabouts of Red Patches; passerby seemed hesitant, beaten, knew nothing
-8.22 Operative Blue Zipper excuses himself to restroom
-8.24 B. Zipper claims that someone is holding their feet up in one of the stalls, trying to hide no doubt (refer to training manual pg 22 section 4 "How to Tell if Someone is Hiding: The Bathroom Stall Feet Trick", this situation is clearly discussed)
-8.35 Definitely Red Patches, Green Watch and I wait outside (Article 33, Section 2, Paragraph 7: no female personnel in male restrooms and vice versa)
-8.49 Zipper exits restroom looking haggard, but with Red Patches in custody; Traitor confesses to writing emails to secret sweet-heart, said sweet-heart is under the employ of Society for Total Control (STC)
-9.00 Traitor executed, higher-ups of STC contacted, assuming they executed sweet-heart
As you all can plainly see, those who choose to fraternize with the enemy, no matter how sweet their heart, can expect nothing but cold, swift, salty justice. Now, if you all will excuse me, I have several pages of traitorous emails to leaf through.
Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri
-5.34 Agent Red Patches suspected of using AWD email account for personal reasons (forbidden under Code 3215-Sub Paragraph 7)
-5.47 Investigation uncovers a series of lewd messages sent to unknown person. Details too racy to include in official reports (full print-outs attached per your orders, sir)
-6.01 Agents dispatched to Red Patches' desk
-6.29 Red Patches appears to be out
-6.53 Still no sign of Patches
-7.37 Saw person walking by, enquired as to the whereabouts of Red Patches; passerby seemed hesitant, beaten, knew nothing
-8.22 Operative Blue Zipper excuses himself to restroom
-8.24 B. Zipper claims that someone is holding their feet up in one of the stalls, trying to hide no doubt (refer to training manual pg 22 section 4 "How to Tell if Someone is Hiding: The Bathroom Stall Feet Trick", this situation is clearly discussed)
-8.35 Definitely Red Patches, Green Watch and I wait outside (Article 33, Section 2, Paragraph 7: no female personnel in male restrooms and vice versa)
-8.49 Zipper exits restroom looking haggard, but with Red Patches in custody; Traitor confesses to writing emails to secret sweet-heart, said sweet-heart is under the employ of Society for Total Control (STC)
-9.00 Traitor executed, higher-ups of STC contacted, assuming they executed sweet-heart
As you all can plainly see, those who choose to fraternize with the enemy, no matter how sweet their heart, can expect nothing but cold, swift, salty justice. Now, if you all will excuse me, I have several pages of traitorous emails to leaf through.
Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri
ATTENTION YELLOW OPERATIVES:
There will be a special message from Blue Division tonight at 9:31 pm in the form of a harmless breakfast sausage commercial. Turn to channel 23 at this precise time to learn startling new information regarding the Lycra Initiative. Skip every third word in the announcer's speech and reverse the punctuation, turning each 15th letter counterclockwise by a degree of 32.9 and therein lies the message.
Special thanks to Blue Hyperion for her tireless efforts backstage on the set of this particular commercial. Thanks to her, we can all enjoy an enhanced level of communication. As is customary, she will be receiving her gift basket in 2-3 business days.
Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri
Special thanks to Blue Hyperion for her tireless efforts backstage on the set of this particular commercial. Thanks to her, we can all enjoy an enhanced level of communication. As is customary, she will be receiving her gift basket in 2-3 business days.
Vincere Causa Anima Et Lucri
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